Sharknado

31 Aug

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I considered not reviewing this film because it is so bad I genuinely don’t believe it deserves the oxygen of publicity, even the limited amount that I can offer it with my little blog. There is a tendency that when somebody tells you a film is so bad it’s hard to believe, that will make you want to see it for yourself. The last thing I want to do is promote this film, but I need to write about it to get it out of my system.

Those of you who are regular readers may remember that I previously reviewed the impossibly bad Dinoshark and committed to giving up with these nonsense films, made for the Syfy channel and that have become a cult phenomenon. However, at my friends on a Friday night, having prepared to watch Schindlers List (a classic that is shamefully missing from my films-seen repertoire), we found it had got a little late and the likelihood of me staying awake for the duration of that film was minimal. Looking for something shorter, my friend uttered words that sent a shudder down my spine; “I’ve still got Sharknado recorded”. My head went into my hands, before I took a deep breath, made a significant adjustment to my estimated enjoyment of the evening and said, “Fine, go on then”.

Ok, the plot (ha!) is as follows; A hurricane bears down on Los Angeles, flooding the city with water and somehow filling it with Sharks. The Sharks start attacking humans, though seemingly only those who are central to the plot (ha!) and literally nobody else.
(Fun fact; It took me approximately one minute to write that synopsis down. I’m willing to bet that I spent longer writing that than the actual writers of this film did).

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These films have achieved popularity precisely because they are horrendous. Well sorry, but I don’t get that. Let’s imagine a new band release a debut album and somebody says to you, “Hey listen to this. The singing is flat, the lyrics are garbage and there’s no structure, melody or rhythm”. Would you listen to it? I don’t think you would. Still, let’s imagine you did for some reason subject your ears to those sounds; A year later you hear that the same band have released a second album and it’s just as bad as the first, if not worse. You wouldn’t listen to that, right? Of course you wouldn’t. So how are Syfy able to keep commissioning these nonsense films? They are quite clearly title-first productions in which no effort is made to make a good movie.

Now, I suspect somebody, somewhere will read this and be thinking, “But Richard, that’s the point! It’s meant to be bad, it’s so bad it’s good”. Well, if you are that person then I’m afraid you’re wrong. The film is laced with so many ‘mistakes’ that they must be intentional, and I’ll concede that is an element of fun to spotting them. How we laughed when my friend noticed that in one shot where the camera zooms into a bridge, the cars on said bridge were all driving backwards. Clearly the initial shot had actually been made to pan out from the bridge, and they’d just cut it in backwards. There are so many goofs of this ilk that there can be no doubt they’re meant to be there, and they’re meant to be spotted.

This might be a tad more palatable if the actors played their parts with any humour. Instead, they are not allowed to be at all tongue-in-cheek, playing everything with a straight face. There are no laughs to be had at all in the acting or the dialogue – instead it is completely infuriating. As a generous estimate, I’d suggest the dialogue was written in half an hour. The acting is genuinely appalling. I don’t care if it’s intentional – it’s horrendous anyway. I am taking the step of not naming any of the actors in this review, for no matter how critical I am, listing them here would still be giving them more credit than they are worth.

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In creating a film (in fact, a whole series of films) that are deliberately this bad, the writers and directors have had to abandon all accepted concepts of good cinema. The plot (ha!) is non-existent, the casting and acting is genuinely embarrassing, the CGI is probably the worst I’ve ever seen and the dialogue made me cringe so much that I think I happened upon a previously undiscovered facial expression.

I can’t urge you enough not to watch this film, yet I am aware that writing that may have the opposite effect. Yes, there are laughs to be had, but that doesn’t mean the movie is funny. These films are an in-joke that I don’t want to be a part of anymore, yet their relative success and cult status guarantees that more will be churned out. Maybe we’ll be treated to CrocoPanda or BumbleBear, or maybe we’ll get PandaPigeon, They have no value, nobody should watch them – they are nonsensical and, if I read more into the plot (ha!) than I should do, I actually see the Sharks as doomed anti-heroes; I know they’re killers but I was rooting for them. I wanted them to eat each of the cretins that accepted role in this film so that we may never be burdened with them again.

(1/10)

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4 Responses to “Sharknado”

  1. The Animation Commendation August 31, 2013 at 23:29 #

    This movie just seems like a waste of time, money, effort, everything!

  2. 1894tony September 1, 2013 at 06:54 #

    unfortunately Richard your write up has had just the effect that you hoped it wouldnt, previous to hearing about Sharknado I dont think I had ever looked at the listings for the Sci-Fi channel … I’ve already started doing that and a) cant wait to watch this film and b) record and watch any others with such staggering titles

  3. Mikey Rosario September 3, 2013 at 03:12 #

    3 words. Best. Movie. Ever.

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